Dominance versus Respect

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a friend.  As we approached his car, he reached out and opened the car door.  He made sure I was tucked into my seat before he shut the door for me.  Doesn’t sound like a big deal, right?  It was for me.  I had tears in my eyes because of the respect and gentleness shown towards me with this simple gesture.  

All the past times I had this gesture done, it created anger within me.  I was frustrated and insulted and I never knew why.   In the past, this act of “kindness” was never done for me but to me.  The feelings it created was because it was done out of masculine dominance, control and power.  I felt this and I was angry.  There were expectations attached to this gesture.  My father did it to show his dominance over me, and dates have done it  with different expectations attached.  Why was it different for me this time?  Respect.  I felt it, and there were no power struggles or expectations involved.   

My advice:  Let intuition guide you.  If a “respectful” gesture is done, but doesn’t feel respectful…it isn’t.  Don’t think with your head feel with your heart.  Don’t disregard what your instincts are, they are a gift to you for guidance.  Learn to listen and accept this gift.  You will respect yourself and that is what is important in the long run.  Respecting yourself will also draw respect towards you from others.  Never settle for less.  Never be less.     

A break from life

I feel that my identity as women (self) gets lost in the chaos of motherhood and school. The most difficult challenge for me is to put myself first. It is so easy to give myself away to others, or the duties that most of us as women have been conditioned to do. I have been conditioned to believe that to put me first equates selfishness. It has taken me years to undo this wiring in my brain, and I find that I still fall back on this belief. It takes conscious effort to set myself right again. Being true to myself and giving myself the love, attention, and time that I require to live and breathe is not selfish. It is medicinal for a long and happy life. That said, I will now call a good friend and set up a coffee date. Our discussions are always stimulating, heartening, and leave me with inspiration as well as hope. So all the women out there, give yourself a gift that will make you smile and warm your heart. You deserve it.

Student meets mom

I have been a full time student for four years.  I’m in my final year and I have yet to figure out how to juggle my studies and my kids.  As a single mom, I find that my time slots for study diminish rapidly when the kids are at home.  Every semester I promise myself that I will be more organized and dedicated to my studies.  I wil be more available for my kids for listening, playing and reading to them.  Then after two weeks it all falls apart.  Once again I struggle for study time; activities with the kids are few and far between and sleep has been evasive.  I laugh when I think of my excellent organizational skills that I haven’t seen for years.  Oh well, time will bring them back.  In the meantime, I’ve decided not to worry about slotted study time and just do the best I can.  I’ve survived four years of college this way and apparently it is working for me. 

A wife for me

I was talking with my good friend the other day, and she was telling me about her new job.  She has had it for five weeks and finds it very difficult to integrate her role as working woman into her role as mom and housekeeper at the home-front.  We can all relate to the utter chaos found at home after a long days work.  The house is a mess, the kids haven’t been fed and that would be because dinner wasn’t even considered yet.  Or perhaps you are a woman who pays the insurmountable fee for child care and has to take time to pack up her kids and bring them home–tired and hungry.  Either way we do it, it’s exhausting.  My friend laughed about her exhausted new life and said, “What I need is a wife!”  My ears perked up.  How many times have I said that?  The only thing I would change in my request is that I want my wife to be male. 

Women, Mom, Student

My identity as woman often clashes with my other parts of self called Mom and Student.  It is difficult for me to remember that there are many parts of my self that make me up as a whole.  For instance, yesterday morning I was contemplating the role of feminism in our society for one of my classes.  At the same time I was helping my son with his shoes and answering questions such as, “Mom, where are my books, is my lunch ready, etc.  Even though it was early in the morning, the woman in me wanted to indulge in a piece of chocolate and watch my soap opera.  The one talent I have as woman is multitasking.  Do I think it’s learned behavior or part of inner strength that women have?  All I know is that I’m good at it!  Gotta go, my daughter’s bus will be here shortly and she’s still not dressed.  I am Woman, Mom, Student hear me roar!!!